I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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