The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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