This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
