Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
