is your mom at the bar?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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