So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
