I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
