i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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