yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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