you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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