Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
