Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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