The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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