Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
