Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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