You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
