So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
