i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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