I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
