I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
