everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
