tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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