The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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