I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
