I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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