I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
