I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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