chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
