she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
