You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My penis needs a shock collar
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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