I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
