I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
