he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
