Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
