I hate your face
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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