She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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