if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
