FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
