Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
