his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
