Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
