those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
