I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
