doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
