my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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