I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
