it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
