Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
All the doctor said was why
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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