So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
