you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
